Sleeping Monkey Presents...
Parodoxical Social Alone-ness
Apr 29 2008Life seems more and more strange recently. It’s getting near exam time, it’s getting near the end of the year, a lot of coursework is due to be done, and a lot of things are happening at church etc; yet it seems that as life gets busier, everything gets far more relaxed. I don’t know how else to explain it; it just baffles me some day I can see the huge pile of work to be done and be quite intimidated by it, yet on others I just don’t seem to mind or care. It doesn’t feel like it’s getting near a major change in my life, yet it certainly is.
Take tonight for example. I’ve been in the house all afternoon, and I’ve had B202 work, B244 work, B242 work and B253 lab write ups to do, and I could really do with looking at some of the B248 slides as I missed one lecture due to a gig and some of it I really don’t understand. So for a lot of the afternoon I’ve been working, but I’ve been flitting between bits of work, I can’t seem to focus on one particular project for long before I feel I have to move onto another. Then I had a break for dinner, and since then I haven’t got a single piece of work done. I dimmed the lights in my room, put on some Mercy Me, and just lay on my bed thinking and reading. I have a lot of work to do – so why can’t I focus on any of it?
Recently the only thing I’ve wanted to do when I’m in my room is lie on my bed, think, maybe pray, listen to music, mainly Christian, and just spend time quietly. More and more I find myself wanting to get away from the computer, away from technology and away from the hectic life of instant messaging, e-mail and telephones. Ironic that I’m blogging about it, isn’t it. More and more recently I’ve been wanting to spend time either alone, or in the company of someone else who wants to be alone, if that makes sense. Like at the pub Sunday evening, for example. I’m perfectly happy to be sociable, in fact I really enjoy the times we have down the pub and everything we do as a large group of King’s students. But that Sunday, I just wanted to be alone, but not alone. I wanted to sit or lie in silence, or at least gentle music, but with someone else around who was content to be in silence. I wanted to be with someone but not feel I had to talk, not feel I had to fill any gaps in conversation with petty small-talk about the weather and how I thought the sermon went. But where can you find someone like that in the middle of a busy pub after a good service? Especially with someone like Pascal bouncing around. So twice on Sunday I found myself just leaving the pub and going for a walk on my own, up and down Elm Grove, then back into the pub, only to leave again a minute or so later.
What’s wrong with me at the moment? Or is nothing wrong, and I’m not meant to be as busy and sociable as I have been these last few weeks?
Dan
Sounds/feels a lot like how I’m feeling at the moment as well. I think I know what you mean. Last year when I had that vast room it felt good when you were there, there wasn’t a need to talk but more a case of get on with whatever was on our screens and if anything interesting popped up send a link. It was nice to just browse and know that if needed conversation was there but if not there wasn’t any kind of awkward silence like there can be when you’re just getting to know someone.
Also, with the workload being larger now and more pressure that this now counts towards something there’s less time to do what we please.